


Do You Remember The First Time?

by kiath



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Bad Sex, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-30
Updated: 2006-04-30
Packaged: 2017-10-29 07:02:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiath/pseuds/kiath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you remember the first time?<br/>I can't remember a worse time."<br/>- Pulp</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do You Remember The First Time?

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Please forgive the cavalier approach to grammar. This is very old, and the focus was on the funnies.

_Well, it's about fucking time_ , Elijah thought as Dom finally moved in for the kill.

Really. How many hints did an average (but ridiculously camp) guy need that another average (and arguably just as camp) guy wanted to see him naked?

When it came to Dom the answer seemed to be infinity hints, because after three movies, countless premieres and several hundred clangers of the _please drop your pants and show me your penis_ variety Elijah was _fi-nal-ly_ getting the first stage of what he wanted: A tongue down his throat and a hand attempting to make its merry way down to one asscheek.

Dom grunted against his mouth with the effort and Elijah cursed his decision to wear particularly fitted jeans. They just didn't allow for this sort of-

No. Wait. _There_ it was.

He wriggled in delight as Dom's sticky little palm pressed against his bare butt, fingers contributing with a delicious squeeze. Oh yes, this was going very well.

Apart from the fact they had decided to make out in the restrooms at the Roxy and not even have the decency to occupy a stall. Elijah knew his mother would be horrified. If she had taught him one thing, it was that if he grew up to be a complete homo under no circumstances was he to make out with boys in bathrooms. She couldn't handle having her little darling doing a George Michael, even if he was over 18.

Of course, all this came back to Elijah a little bit too late. His tongue was already too involved to get a grip, and he really liked the way his ass was being kneaded. He hadn't been kneaded before. And if Dom's fingers just crept a little to the-

_click_

Okay, that was the sound of a stall door being unlocked. And, all credit to him, Dom _did_ jump away and stop trying to eat Elijah alive as soon as he realised they had company. Elijah was deeply impressed with his reflexes.

He was _less_ impressed with the way Dom seemed unable to remove his hand.

They watched the man who had emerged from the stall wash his hands with all haste. He clearly wasn't stupid, and Elijah could practically smell the Straight Fear wafting off of him as Dom pulled discreetly at his bottom. The guy was terrified of the fags by the paper towels and all he wanted was out.

Elijah tried not to make a sound as their company scarpered, but it was hard with Dom tugging insistently round the back.

"Dude! What the fuck are you doing?"

Dom tugged. "I can't get my bloody hand out!" He tugged a little more. "Seriously, it's stuck in your arse." His third attempt was accompanied by an unattractive gurning expression. "Why do you have to wear such tight trousers? A bloke can't cop a feel without losing a hand."

With a long-suffering sigh, Elijah unzipped his jeans and released Dom's hand.

"Can we please go home and do this?"

Dom proclaimed it Elijah's best idea ever.

Their drive home was uneventful, aside from Dom's prelude to sex being a disgusting story about some guy trekking in the Congo and his dick rotting off because of a venomous spider bite. Elijah tuned out and imagined them getting home and making it in the backyard. Really noisily.

Ten minutes later they stumbled in through the door to Elijah's summer house, already committing themselves to getting naked as fast as humanly possible. Dom set to work undoing Elijah's jeans and shoving them down past his thighs; Elijah tugged Dom's t-shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor.

Dom took one step forwards while reaching out for Elijah's crotch, tangled his feet in the t-shirt, stumbled, and grabbed hold of Elijah for support. In turn Elijah shuffled forward just a little too much, tripped on his own jeans and took them both crashing to the floor.

Elijah had never fallen onto his own hard-on before that moment, and it was excellent proof as to why it was a foolhardy idea. It hurt. In fact, it fucking motherfucking jesusfucking _killed_.

Dom, the aforementioned clumsy fucktart, was moaning beneath Elijah, clutching at his lower back.

"Owwwww! My coccyx! Oww-howw-howwwww!"

Elijah rolled off him and onto his own back. "Fuck your coccyx, man, I think my fucking cock is broken!"

They lay, side by side on the shiny hardwood floor, panting and moaning.

It was so perfect on paper, like an extremely beloved wank-fantasy coming to life. Only Elijah had hoped that this moment would be accompanied by rather more come and less agonising pain.

Eventually Dom stopped whimpering about his coccyx and decided to pay attention to Elijah.

"How's your dinkle, Doodle?"

"My _dinkle_ is hurting, you asshole," Elijah growled in return. "Have you ever fallen dick-first onto someone's fist?"

Dom thought about the question for longer than strictly necessary.

"You know what? I haven't."

"It's going to need some serious TLC..."

Dom batted his eyelashes. "Would you like me to kiss it better?"

Elijah ignored the eyelashes and propped himself up on his elbows.

"Fuck that. Give me a blowjob instead?"

Dom was more than happy to oblige. He soon had Elijah pressed up against the wall with the offending jeans discarded and at a safe distance from the action. And as it turned out Dom was quite skilful at the whole oral sex business. Skilful enough to take Elijah by surprise with a rather cunning slight of tongue which resulted in one head connecting violently with the corner of the entrance hall's light switch, and one pair of hips jerking forward in response.

Dom wasn't quite as skilful at controlling his gag reflex and promptly choked on penis. He fell back onto the floor amidst a flurry of splutters, only to start writhing about and clutching what Elijah determined must have been his damn coccyx.

Elijah rubbed his head where the light fitting had dented it. He never realised that sex had the potential to be quite this painful. He liked the odd slapped ass as much as the next gayboy, but this level of minor injury wasn't really what he'd had in mind for Dom.

And he certainly never imagined that the first time he had the chance to get Dom face down and naked in his bedroom it would involve an ice pack and little more.

He slouched grumpily at the end of the bed, his libido unsatisfied but definitely on ice; meanwhile Dom made stupid little pouty faces and moaned about how much his back hurt.

It was _all wrong_.

But Elijah was nothing if not pro-active. He knew how to fix this and make Dom forget about his pain:

Sex. They had to have sex. As a matter of urgency.

Sex was a magic cure-all in Elijah's world. Bad day? Get laid. Can't sleep? Jerk off. Fallen on your coccyx and been choked during a blowjob? Let your friendly neighbourhood hobbit stick his dick in your ass.

"Hey, Dom?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we fuck now?"

Dom rolled over and let the ice pack fall onto the floor.

"You're going to have to be gentle with me."

"How about I make sure you come so hard you pass out? Will _that_ help?"

Dom considered the offer.

"Deal."

What little clothing the boys still had on soon found a new home beside the bed. Elijah was delighted to find that not only was Dom sufficiently endowed, he also didn't appear to be impotent. He wouldn't have been that surprised if Dom had been lacking in one of those departments; after all, this was the least successful lay he'd ever embarked upon. Even his first time had run a little more smoothly than this, and that had been with a girl who'd wound up bawling her eyes out when Elijah had suggested bypassing vagina altogether.

He'd learnt an important lesson that day: never try and stick your dick in a girl's ass unless they've specifically asked for it. They don't like it.

"Condoms. We need condoms," Dom panted against Elijah's nipple.

Elijah groaned at the amount of effort it was all taking and fumbled blindly for the set of drawers beside his bed. Dom continued his attentions even as Elijah began to twist towards the edge of the bed, attempting to get a better angle for access to the drawer. Eventually he gave up and ordered Dom to just fucking _move_ in the name of safe sex.

It soon became apparent that Elijah was unable to find what he was looking for because the condoms were gone. All that was left was an empty box, a trophy of Elijah's successful sex life which now mocked his appallingly ill-timed seduction of the lust of his life.

"Dom, please tell me you have a condom in your wallet..."

Dom shook his head. "I'm not even sure I have a wallet."

Elijah could have happily punched Dom that instant if he wasn't so determined that they _would_ have sex, even if it killed them both.

"You're a moron. Stay there and don't move a muscle."

Gathering up a respectable outfit Elijah made a break for the main house. Once inside he took the stairs two at a time and burst unannounced into his sister's bedroom. Luckily she was pretty dull and just reading a book, otherwise Elijah was certain he might never have been able to copulate again.

"Hannah! Do you have any condoms?"

Hannah stared at him with an utterly horrified expression and lay her copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ aside.

"Are you serious? Ew!"

Elijah scowled. "Hannah, this is an emergency. I _need_ a condom. _Now_."

She screwed up her face. "Ew!"

"Hannah!"

"Ew!"

"C'monnn! It's Dom, and I've been waiting fucking ages to do him!"

"Ewwwwwwwwww!" She waved her hands around in a distressed manner and pretended to cry. "Scarred for life! Scarred for life!"

A fifty dollar bribe and some several hundred _ews_ later, Elijah scampered back across the lawn clutching his precious protection. He waved it like a conquering hero and, to his credit, Dom treated him like one. That is, until it came to actually using it.

"Put it on me," Dom said.

Those were not words Elijah liked to hear. There would be no putting it on other people.

"No, Dom, put it on _me_."

There was a somewhat awkward silence. Eventually Dom's surprise relaxed into mirth and he nuzzled encouragingly at Elijah's neck.

"Don't worry, I'm very, very gentle."

"You could be Mother fuckin' Theresa with a dick and I wouldn't care." Elijah made a grab for the condom and tore it open with his teeth. "No one sticks anything up _my_ ass."

Dom frowned. "But... I don't bottom."

"Well _one_ of us has to, and it sure as hell ain't me."

"Seriously, Elijah, I'd much rather top."

"And I don't bottom for anyone."

It was a stand-off. The prize was held firmly in Elijah's hand and he wasn't giving it up for anyone. Not even Dom. He had his standards, after all.

Dom whined. "Fucking _hell_ , Lij, I really want to shag you."

"It's shagee or nothing, Monaghan." Elijah waved the condom for emphasis. "Take it or leave it."

Elijah knew he would win this argument. Dom wanted him badly enough; and anyway, Elijah knew he was totally easy. He rolled the condom on and reached... for... the...

_Oh motherfuck._

He knew exactly where the lube was. In his gym bag. In the house. By the kitchen table. Right where he'd dropped it two days before.

"Aaaargh! Be. Right. Back."

Elijah really didn't find this amusing - hobbling across the yard in jeans that were too tight at the best of times, sporting not only a hard-on but a condom, too - but lubricant really was an essential. Spitting on your own dick killed any slight chance of romance stone cold dead, at least as far as Elijah was concerned.

On reaching the kitchen, Elijah realised his bag wasn't where he'd left it. He raced up the stairs and to his childhood bedroom. It wasn't there either.

"Hannaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

His younger sister poked her head out of the door and frowned disapprovingly at him.

"Ew."

"Hannah, where's my gym bag?"

"In the utility room. Mom was doing laundry earlier."

"Awww, fuck!" Elijah turned on his heel and ran best he could back down the stairs. "She'll have found my lube!"

Hannah's voice floated down behind him, a final indignant "Ew!" before her bedroom door slammed shut.

The bag sat innocently on top of the washing machine, open, emptied, devoid of all products useful to young, homosexual Americans. Elijah panicked. He really, really didn't want to spit. Really really.

"Okay, Elijah, _think_." He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Where would Mom stow lubricant? Where would an all-American Mom who wanted to be down with her gay son put a tube of lubricant?"

He panted as he raced back up the stairs to the bathroom, practically tearing the door off the small cabinet above the sink. There it was, the precious KY. When Elijah grabbed it he almost expected a choir of angels to sing. They didn't. He did turn round to see Hannah standing in the doorway.

She pointed a finger at him and delivered her opinion on the matter: "Ew."

Elijah was halfway down the stairs before she had the chance to shame him again.

When he burst through the bedroom door he found Dom not sprawling provocatively, but sat somewhat nervously on the edge of the mattress.

"I've got it! Let's fuck!"

"Um, Elijah... Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

Elijah had a sudden mental image of beating Dom about the head with the tiny tube of lubricant. He resisted.

"No, it's a _great_ idea. You, me, lots of sex: how is that not a great idea?"

Dom shrugged. "Well, I think something's trying to tell us not to do it. Do you believe in fate? I think fate's stepping in and saying 'Hey guys, why not slow down and-'"

There was no time to finish his sentence before Elijah pinned him back down to the bed with a surprising amount of strength. He gagged his prey with an insistent tongue. Despite his protestations, Dom was delightfully compliant.

"We," Elijah panted when he finally drew back, "are having sex. Tonight. Now. Really, really noisy sex. Okay?"

Dom didn't argue.

Of course, in the time between Elijah winning the topping war and returning with the lube there had been a period of deflation where it mattered, on both their parts. For Dom this was not a problem, but Elijah had managed the render the only condom they had completely useless in the process.

Before Dom could bring up fate again Elijah made one last break for the house.

"I'm booking myself into therapy tomorrow!" cried Hannah as she flung the entire box of condoms at her brother. "I hate you!"

Elijah didn't stop to apologise. He had sexing to do before one of them died of old age.

It was with surprising aplomb that Elijah discarded his clothes and the now pointless condom that hung baggily from his embarrassed-looking penis. Dom applauded politely and accepted his role as fuckee with quite some dignity.

"Elijah," He breathed, putting on his best Austen-heroine accent, "Do me, for heaven's sake."

And Elijah did.

For approximately seven seconds.

The unexpected arrival of his orgasm came as as much of a surprise to Elijah as it did to Dom. Elijah breathed heavily, feeling the onset of post-come shame rather quicker than usual.

"Did you just... I mean, have you...?" Dom frowned and tried valiantly to ask his question politely. "Is that... _it_?"

"Oh god." Elijah hid his face in Dom's shoulder.

"Did I seriously let you put your dick in my arse for _that_?"

"Oh my motherfucking God..."

"I mean, I've seen pigeons shag for longer than that, Elijah."

"Waaaaaaaaaaaah!"

And then Dom laughed. It started off as a chuckle, disbelieving and awkward, and evolved into something altogether different, summing up their entirely unsuccessful attempt to mate. After twenty seconds of all-encompassing despair, Elijah himself gave in to the ridiculousness of it all and let himself laugh, too.

They fell asleep side by side that night, Dom nursing a bruised coccyx and Elijah a wounded ego.

In the morning Dom fucked Elijah until he couldn't see straight. The sun rose, the birds sang, and Elijah's momentous coming rang out across the dew-glazed lawn.

Hannah slammed her bedroom window shut, pulled a pillow over her head and tried to ignore the mental images.

She failed.

"Ew."


End file.
